Lifestyle

Sibling Rivalry Over Money: How Parental Favouritism Fuels Family Rifts

By Today News Hours Editorial Desk

Financial favouritism among family members can trigger long-lasting jealousy, resentment, and even legal battles after a parent's death, though experts say there are ways to prevent such conflicts.

John, 47, whose name has been changed, says his parents have always favoured his younger brother financially. Recently, they declined to lend him £10,000 for a house deposit after his relationship ended, even though he says the sum was easily within their means. In contrast, his parents had previously given his 42-year-old brother money for a home deposit and helped cover his living costs.

John recalls being seen as the more academically capable sibling growing up, expected to become financially independent, while his brother was "coddled" despite struggling to establish himself. He says this unequal treatment has left him feeling that "the needs of others take precedence" over his own, contributing to feelings of isolation that have affected his friendships and romantic relationships.

Online forums such as Mumsnet and Reddit contain numerous posts from people frustrated by perceived favouritism between siblings, covering issues such as differing levels of financial support, unequal inheritance division, and disparities in caregiving responsibilities for parents.

Dr Fenia Christodoulidi of the counselling service Relate says disputes between siblings over money are rarely about the money alone. "Financial support from parents often carries a powerful emotional meaning, and some siblings interpret differences in support as signs of favouritism, unequal love, or a lack of recognition," she explains. She notes that even when parents have valid practical reasons for treating children differently—such as one earning less, dealing with illness, or facing higher housing costs—failing to explain these reasons can foster misunderstanding and resentment.

Not everyone experiences conflict over this issue, however. Ellis, who works in finance in London, says she and her siblings have received varying levels of parental support over the years without it causing problems. Her colleague Tasha, the youngest of seven siblings, says that although her siblings have clashed over perceived favouritism, she believes their parents actually treat them equally. "I just think people sometimes get a bit uncertain or jealous, and that's quite normal," the 33-year-old says, adding that her family typically resolves such tensions by talking things through after a period of distance.

Christodoulidi suggests that open discussions about expectations and the reasoning behind parental decisions can help ease resentment. But for John, this hasn't been straightforward. "Talking about money is verboten in my family—be it salaries, savings, or financial assistance," he says. "Any time I've tried to air my feelings, my parents just become evasive, so now I don't bother." He is now planning his finances without expecting any inheritance, though he anticipates being asked to help if his parents become ill or lose mental capacity. While he says he has a strong relationship with his brother, he still resents his parents for creating what he calls an "imbalance" between them.

Claire Webb, a solicitor and mediator at Family Solutions Now, frequently works with siblings embroiled in inheritance disputes. She describes common scenarios where one sibling received financial help earlier in life—for instance, to buy a home—with an understanding that this would be reflected in the eventual will. When the will instead states that assets should be shared equally, old feelings of unfairness can resurface. She advises parents to clearly communicate their wishes while they are still alive to prevent such conflicts.

Webb also recommends that siblings pursue mediation before resorting to legal action, noting that most disputes resolved through legal channels still end amicably. "Most of the time there is a deep-down family bond—and if you can identify what started the problem, they often find a way through," she says.

Experts offer several tips for resolving money-related disputes between siblings: recognise that the underlying issue may be about feeling valued rather than the money itself; avoid assumptions about a sibling's financial circumstances or the reasoning behind parental decisions; encourage respectful, open conversations where everyone can express their feelings; ensure parents clearly communicate their intentions, especially when supporting children differently for practical reasons; consider family counselling if discussions become repeatedly stuck or overly emotional; try mediation before pursuing legal action in inheritance disputes; and carefully select powers of attorney—while parents often appoint their children to manage their care and finances if they become incapacitated, they can instead choose a neutral party, such as a solicitor, if there's a risk of conflict among siblings.